omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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