Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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