I wish my penis had an off switch
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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