he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
