At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
