i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
