She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
