there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
