You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
