Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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