apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
