if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
