after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize