I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
