i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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