guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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