You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
