Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
