I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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