hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
