I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
