She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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