After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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