I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
