I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
