i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
