Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
