Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Randomize
