I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
