It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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