oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
