oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
