break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
