I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
