he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize