i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
