Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
