I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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