WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
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