I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
