If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
i think my cat just said my name.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
