When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he thought i was a dude.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
PANTIES FOUND
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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