my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
