Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
