your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize