Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
