Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
