Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
