My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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