Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Banned from zoo.
Again?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
