I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
