Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
