I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
