Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
