The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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