My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
