My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
