Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
He passed out mid-signature
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
