Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
