I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize