Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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