Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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