I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She's the barista slut.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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