Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
